Many marriage and relationship problems can be traced back to faulty communication patterns. Many marriage counselors stay in business because couples fail to use effective communication strategies. A commitment to better communication is the first step in strengthening your relationship—and keeping it strong. Here are 5 specific tools to improve communication in your marriage or relationship, setting the stage for a stronger foundation and greater intimacy.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar

As the speaker, your top priority is to have your words heard, to prevent the listener from becoming defensive or tuning out. Ultimately, you want your message to impact the listener in such a way that s/he has been alerted of your needs and motivated to follow through and meet your needs.

Give a little, get a little

This is the carrot-at-the-end-of-the-stick communication. This type of “give and take” is a natural part of any relationship. This communication approach is effective for two reasons: First, it shows your partner that you are a giving person and this may stir his/her own desire to give back (giving is often contagious); Second, this type of communication underscores the importance of fairness and compromise in relationships. For example, saying, “I’m running out to buy us dinner, can you straighten up the house a little until I get back?” implies that it would only be fair that your partner do his part since you are taking the time and effort to get dinner.

A little appreciation goes a long way

It’s human nature to feel good about yourself when someone you care about shows gratitude for something you’ve done. You can never heap too much gratitude and thanks onto your spouse/partner—unless, of course, it’s insincere. For many couples, danger lies in not showing enough appreciation because they’ve come to expect certain things from one another.

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Clear message, favorable outcome

Clearly communicating your needs is the foundation of effective communication and a healthy relationship. Marriage counselors often focus on improving a couple’s communication skills; a breakdown in communication often leads to significant marriage and relationship problems. Unfortunately, many couples have discovered that clearly communicating their needs, while necessary, doesn’t always work out as planned.

An emotional punch

If you’re like most people, once in a while you will say and do something that is upsetting to your partner, and your partner will do the same (you’re only human, after all); when this occurs it may be important to address the troubling issue—with the goal of stopping your partner from repeating the upsetting behavior. There will be times that you’ll have to up the communication ante and be more forceful. It’s best to use this approach when the other four communication methods described above fail to work.

Have you tried the steps above?

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