HOW TO DEAL WITH GAS LIGHTERS

How should you respond if you observe signs of gaslighting in your significant other? Few things are as unsettling as realizing that you’re romantically involved with a gaslighter. These master manipulators lie, deceive, and obfuscate, all in an effort to gain power over you by making you doubt reality. We reached out to experts to find out the exact steps you should take.

Don’t second-guess yourself

Gaslighting works in part by wearing you down. So be aware of when you begin to doubt what your gut tells you is true and real. It can be helpful to ask yourself the question, What do I really believe is going on? As opposed to what am I being pressured to believe?” This reflection allows you to approach interactions with confidence. You may also find it helpful to jot down notes or keep a journal. People outside of your relationship can give you a third-party perspective.

Get out—and don’t look back

You tried to address the behavior, but the gaslighter hasn’t made an effort to change. At this point, the only solution is to split; an emotionally abusive relationship is an unhealthy one. Unfortunately, calling it quits with a gaslighter is not easy. The breakup may provide fertile ground for more gaslighting. Often, gaslighters ramp up their behaviors when things come to an emotional head, as they so frequently do during a breakup.

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React to their claims the right way

The more you try to defend yourself, the more they gaslight. Remember, arguing with a gaslighter is a losing strategy. Defensive behavior is their fuel, and they’ll respond to you by saying that you’re being hysterical, acting crazy, or other inflaming, frustrating statements. Try opening up a conversation with a non-threatening phrase like, “We seem to see things differently, can we talk it out?”

Recognize what drives the behavior

When you hear the words “emotional abuse,” it’s easy to think of gaslighters as bad or evil and write off the possibility that you can work things out. But that’s not a helpful framework. Gaslighters are wounded people, they don’t have a strong sense of self and have to feel ‘right’ all the time, or else they feel threatened. That makes a gaslighter uniquely challenging to deal with, but not impossible.

Seek help if the gaslighting continues

Gaslighters will erode your self-esteem; therapy can be very helpful in rebuilding it and also learning the warning signs of gaslighters in the future. Couples therapy can work too—but only if both participants are open to it and prepared to dig into the issues and change.

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